Porcelain.

Found in my formspring inbox:

“hey colin…i’ve had the biggest crush on you for awhile! i don’t go on here a lot but message me on www.alertsingle.com under the username “wishfulthinker”.” 

Wow.

“It Never Ends.”  - unofficially current life motto.

“What?”, you might ask?

Everything.

Foreword (with absolutely no link to the post):

Tonight, I choose not to take offence. Nope, it’s not because I’m mature and they were just jokes. It’s because everyone probably forgot about it eons ago and I’m the only one replaying scenes all over in my mind. It’s because in the end, no one remembers or let alone cares that someone is offended because giving offense wasn’t the intention to begin with. So reluctantly and very bitterly, I’m letting it go.

And I’m not saying that I don’t unintentionally or intentionally offend people, but obviously the offender (me, in the case) doesn’t even know the degree of the effect(s) of his remarks. And I could go on forever trying to justify how my words aren’t as offensive as some others’, but I think that I’ve already lost some of you, and this is a foreword so….

Actual post:

So as I’ve mentioned before, I have problems with smiling properly and thus (I would say) looking photogenic. Take for example this picture taken over the weekend with my cell group at Chris’ & Rach’s wedding:

If you can’t identify me from this picture, then you probably shouldn’t even be reading this. For the rest of you, please do notice how incredibly good I look. I’m just kidding. Please notice how (don’t worry, no offense taken) incredibly retarded I smile and look in this picture. And this is one of the better ones, I swear. So if anyone knows of a ‘Learn how to smile so you don’t look like a retard’ class, you can reply to this post or simply send me a text message. 

Yes, as mentioned, this is my cell group, and we’re really an awesome bunch, however much our reputation has been tainted (reasonably or unreasonably). And since the picture is of Rach’s wedding, why not talk about it, right? As some of you may have already noticed (not from the picture) on the day of the wedding itself, many of those in the picture were weeping throughout the wedding (I shan’t name them) and even during the performance. Quite strangely/expectedly (depends on how well you know me), I didn’t shed a single tear during the wedding.

Yes, to all you jump-to-conclusion-ers, I am mentioning this fact to reinstate the already apparent fact that I am a male and males do not cry, thus making me a real man. On a lighter note, don’t you think that Chris & Rach look great together? The photograph speaks for itself, and more are on facebook if you are not convinced. I am genuinely happy for them, and am looking forward to cell meetings in their apartment, with dinners at Block 85. 

And on a slightly negative note, yes, I do have school tomorrow. It starts at 9am instead of the usual 740am, though, and it’ll only be 3 days of school, afterwhich sentosa and overnight cycling outings can happen, without the hindrance of education. I think having school during holidays is really less dreadful as compared to normal school days. I am not looking forward to school tomorrow morning, but at the same time, I am not as ‘burdened’ (if that’s the word for my normal-school-day feeling). 

Oh and I’ve been kinda broke since I spent X amount (yes I’m that secretive, not even the number of digits for you) on buying stuff for Rachael’s wedding while shopping with Takashimaya’s, Ion’s, and 313’s biggest customers, a.k.a. my cell. Thus, I am on quite a ‘poverty-stricken’ - ‘think-thrice-twice-before-you-buy-anything’ savings plan. 

And if all that made sense, then you’ll be glad to know that I am going to end the post here, one, because it is too long and many have given up along the way and you are a true ‘long-suffer-er’ for sticking it through, and two, I have to urinate (in the Leonard’s mum’s accent in TBBT). Goodnight

With some Lifehouse to get me through the night, I’m gonna update about my life, since I haven’t done so in quite a while. All I’ve been doing on tumblr is reblogging lame pictures and posting lyrics.

So school’s out. Funny how I don’t feel excited for anything these days, not even the holidays. Not even church camp. Nevertheless, I’m glad to know that I don’t have official school to do for the next month or so, and that I don’t have to wake up early tomorrow morning. Just finished my Chinese and GP Common Tests today, and I swear, 3 hours of chinese is just too much. Plus there wasn’t even a break in between. 3 hours of GP was almost just as bad, but at least half the time I was writing words that made sense. Not really confident for the tests, and honestly, I can’t be bothered about school work and tests anymore. 

My classmates have been great, but just different from church friends. I feel like I’m living two lives, one with friends in school and one with friends in church. Weird feeling, I must say, and something new too; I’ve never felt this way in secondary school. Not that I’m faking anything, but it just feels different.

Anyway, I can’t join Rugby anymore, so there goes my jock dreams to be a jock with my classmates and to wear the TEAM SAJC t-shirt and I’m really really affected by it. Just kidding. But seriously. Perhaps if I were in Rugby I’d enjoy school more, and I wouldn’t be this miserable. Hmmmm… Also, I think I’m doing really bad in school. Especially for Maths. I have no freaking clue how to do the distributions and I have a feeling I’m gonna screw up my common tests too. Oh well.

Enough of school. My cell’s gonna meet up to rehearse on our item for Rach & Chris’ wedding tomorrow. Hope I don’t screw up or anything. Speaking of church, I think I’m getting really sick of all the drama. (What’s new?) But don’t worry, I’m not about to cut in. I’d rather not. And I’ve been thinking recently (Once again, what’s new?) and I’ve decided that the perfect moment to be stuck in forever is being in worship. The feeling’s just perfect, don’t you agree?

And in conclusion of the post (and the night): 

All in all, it’s just another day now.

Trying to catch my breath again.

If I don’t make it, know that I love You all along

And I’m hoping to God I figure out what’s wrong.

He’s more than the laughter, or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat, or song on our lips
Someday we’ll trust Him, learn how to see Him
Someday He’ll call us and we will come running
Fall in His arms, the tears will fall down, and we’ll pray
I want to fall in love with You

It seems too easy to call you ‘Saviour’
Not close enough to call you ‘God’
So as I sit and think of words I can mention, to show my devotion

I want to fall in love with You
My heart beats for You

But I’m still somewhere in between.

Oh, did I mention that I became a Saint For Christ today?
Haha, how ironic that I’m barely holding on to my Sainthood.

And that I’m barely holding on to You.

I’m finding me out,
I’m having my doubts,
I’m losing the best of me.

I’m such a terrible mess.

One more week to go through.
More trash to put up with, more masks to wear, more time to think and rethink about everything.
More chances for me to be told I’m not good enough.
Life goes the hell on.

Walk on.
What else can I do?

Maybe I need some time to “drop everything, and start it all over”.

Maybe it’s just a passing feeling, and maybe it’ll all go away.

So tonight, I’m counting up my demons;

I see there’s one for every day.

fakescience:

Starting to get used to all this constant picking up and letting go.

Because I got in too deep and I’m out of time
My heart’s gone cold and my hands are tied;
Guess I’ll have to go and let it die

And yes, everything’s lost.

So once again, I’ll start to breathe and fake a smile,
It’s all the same after awhile

Maybe one day I’ll even convince myself it happens naturally.

If you think that all is lost,

I’ll be counting up my demons,

Hoping everything’s not lost.

So I’ve been witnessing (not to mention putting up with) a lot of change for the past few months and I’ve come to the conclusion that we all change over time. You’ll never stay the same, no matter how hard we try not to, no matter how well we fake it, no matter how much we all try to convince ourselves (and others) that we don’t and won’t, because it’s impossible. 

That thought brought a bittersweet feeling because it’s sad that we all grow old, and with that, grow sick and grow out of everything. But on the other hand, it shows how great God is. How amazing it is that He is the same yesterday, today and forever? And with God being the only constant, perhaps He’s the only one who can promise eternal security, and is the only one who is worth risking vulnerability for.

I’ve started to look around. Maybe you should too.